BLAH

So its about noon on Friday and I'm just in my own little world. I have to work today, and i get to close.. I actually love to close.. it just shows me whats i have to work on. Lately I have been a little bit depressed. OK more than a little. First off I just want to be done with some people. I pride myself on being a good friend, but there are some people in my life that really just piss me off. I know that I'm not the best at getting together with people. But i try. So my deal is if you say that you are doing to do something then please just do it. Awwww. i just wanted people to be real... cause i hate the fake bitches.

I want someone in my life. I know that people say that you will find someone when you are not looking.. But lets be honest when is a person not looking. In what aspect are we talking about not looking. Not looking for love or what... I bothers me sometimes when people say that because I don't know think that they really understand what is coming out of their mouths. I am looking for sometime more than physical sexual relationships and for some reason i can never seem to find these. The people that i come into contact with, i think are so nice and sweet, and then i start being too nice. I tend to send flowers and shit, but really whats wrong with that. I'M not telling them that i want to have their babies.. I'm just saying hi your cute would you like to hang out. I don't expect anything out of them. AWW.. I am not an asshole by nature. So whats wrong with me.

Personally I'm not really happy with my body..I consider myself basically fat. IS there something i can do about it yes. I could exercise, and i could watch what it is that I went. I could eat better. It really not hard, but I don't have the mind set to do anything but bitch about it. Is that going to solve anything for me, not really. Sometimes i wish i could be more like Jim. even though he talks about himself a lot. he actually has the body that i would like to start to have. I know I'm a little jealous of my friend. I just need to get some self esteem. But how to you do that. I just feel like i am attracted to stupid people. And once i see them i just feel as if i need to do things for them. I feel that i need to look a certain way for me to be with them. I dont think about myself, all i think about is them. Tell me if there is someone out there who doesnt want a nice guy. I really want to find that. But i wont keep my fingers crossed.

What to do

Again its been a long time since i have talked on this thing. So much has happen and not happen in my life that i have my good days and I have my bad days. I finally have the job that i want. I love getting up everyday and going to work. i don't think the fact that i feel as if i can afford more things now and I just go out and spend spend spend. Its not that type of party, or a least it shouldn't be. At the same time work in great, but i feel as if i not doing very much at my job. I want to do more but i know that i have to wait for a bit because i don't really even know all of my job now. I have issues, and i just need again to be patient. But the point still remains that i love my job.

I did recently buy a new car. I know drive a 08 Dodge Avenger. I love my car as well. But you know how it feels when you get a new car how you want to show it off to everyone.. that was not the case with me. Their where certain people that i wanted to see it. but still its not that big of a deal its a car, and I'm happy with it people will see it as i talk to them if i do talk to them.

I recently found out that a friend of mind is having medical problems. This really hurts me. I have three very special people in my life who are dealing with this same medical problem is very different forms. It hurts because I don't know what i can do for them. I really wish i could just take it away from them. None of them are having to deal with the problem on a very serious note.. but still it hurts when friends young friends have to deal with problems so young within there lives. Its something that i think about a lot. I wish you guys all the best with your health.

I really cant wait to live alone. Does that sounds harsh,maybe but its true. I just want to live alone. I want to be able to come home and know that I'm the only one that is going to be in my apt, unless i invite you over there. I want to be able to come home and realize that if i made dirty dishes then i am the one that has to clean them up. If I have company over then I will clean up after my company and not have to worry about it. I love my roommate to death, but i just don't want to have one anymore. i am over it. You are like a brother to me, but you are just nasty and lazy. You just want to you to learn what it is like to have to clean up after someone, and realize that you are doing it more and more each day. AWWWW ... i just want to scream at you sometime because you know what you are doing. And it just pisses me off that you do this. What is your problem, why is so bad to clean your house. I don't care about your pvt areas, but the common areas should stay clean. Not just when you girlfriend decides to stop bye. this is just a sad story.. and I'm done i just want it to be over.. is July here yet.

So i have been going out lately and I'm notice that I'm not very attractive. I just really want someone to try and get to know me. I just want someone to say hi to me and mean it. Roger has come back around full force and i have to say that I'm not over him. I have been saying this to myself for the longest time. The man just does things to me. I really like him, but is he the only for me. I didn't see him for about a month and i mean no phone no in person contact. I went to the bar one night and he was there and I stepped in to the room where he was and he was coming over to hug me and say hi to me and ask me how i have been doing. My reaction that this is that he is being very fake. Why are you interesting in how I'm doing now. You have not tried to contact me at all. But me being myself I start talking to him, and he tells me that I'm one of the nicest guy that he has every met. He explained that he has been a dick to me and he was sorry for that. OK does that mean that you are going to call me. What does that mean. Then you come around me a lot during the night.. there are only so many times that you need to go door and look out of it. Oh wait then don't tell me that you promise to do something with me and then dint do it.. I'M OVER IT... why is this so hard. DO you fucking like me or not. Oh wait then i see you at talbott street this past weekend and its the same time. You touch me when you past me, then you tell me that you watched a concert that we where suppose to watch together alone. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... WTF... this is what i don't like about people. I told you before you said it that you should watch the concert alone, but no you wanted to watch it with me. No there is another one that we are suppose to watch.. you promise... OH BULL SHIT. i will believe it when i see it.. Am I mad... hell yes I'm mad... and I'm mad because i fucking like you are lot. FOR some reason.. i am feeling that you are one of the best guys that i have met in a long time. But you seriously seems as if you don't want to give me the time day. But still I'm a great guy... IM OVER IT.. i don't know what I'm going to do about this but I'm over it.

So do i sound very bitter, yes I am. Believe me i am because my heart hurts really bad. How do you show someone that you like them without being a stalker. THat is just one route that I would never go down. I feel that i am a great guy, and im just wnat someone to just take the time to get to know me. Im a really nice person so i have been told. But i want this guy and I want him a lot. I just would like to find out why he doesnt want me. AHHHHHHHHHHHH... i want to cry so bad.. but its just not comign out.